Category: LIFE

There are moments in life when we slow down and reflect on where we’ve been, where we are – and where we’re headed. Sometimes this is at the start of a new year, or perhaps it’s at a significant milestone in life when we feel like we’ve crested a hill and can take a rest and enjoy the view.

At this point, as we identify things we’d like to change and things we’d like to amplify in our lives, we set intentions and goals and share our dreams. When it comes to financial planning, it’s vital that we set our intentions with integrity and authentic values, not superficiality and disconnected values.

There’s a quote by Kevin Heath that goes like this: “In the end, kids won’t remember that fancy toy or game you bought them; they will remember the time you spent with them.”

As you read this and reflect on your own childhood, and perhaps your parenthood, it’s easier to remember the moments – not the monetary value – that defined us and motivate our choices today.

Yes, we can remember times of financial hardship or prosperity, and we can often remember big-ticket purchases, but it’s not always about the money spent, but what the money meant. This topic keeps coming up in our reformed thinking around financial planning: it’s not about how much money we have but how much we can achieve with our money. The two are linked, for sure, but where we place our focus will determine where we find our value.

When money is tight, it’s an opportunity for us to draw together and find creative ways to achieve our goals and dreams with the resources we have. And, when money is plenty, we have an equally challenging responsibility to invest or spend it wisely in ways that will have lasting value.

Ultimately, it’s about deeper relationships, not deeper pockets. As Charles Dickens wrote in his Christmas Carol, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour. Wherever you are in your planning and reflection, may you be encouraged to focus on what you can achieve rather than what you can earn.

With a positive approach, physical and mental stress can both be helpful in moving from a fixed to a growth mindset. Research has found that people who adopt the mindset that “stress is enhancing” experience more exceptional performance and fewer negative health symptoms (Crum & Crum, 2018).

It’s easy to try and avoid stress entirely, especially since we operate in overdrive way too often. Instead of finding the balance, we swing from each end of the spectrum to try and find better ways to cope. This affects our mental, physical and financial health as we find ourselves making decisions that have tradeoffs that sometimes sit in our blindspots.

We see this in our personal choices, but also in the way we interact with others. We might overspend in order to make a partner or child happy, or we might underspend in order to keep ourselves feeling like we’re minimising the impact on our finances. We might avoid certain conversations, or spend an unhealthy amount of time on one activity in order to avoid others.

In their research with athletes and Navy SEALS, Crum and Crum developed a three-step approach to harnessing the positive aspects of stress while reducing negative health impacts.

Step one – “See your stress”

Don’t attempt to ignore stress. Label it. Seeing it as something positive, rather than to be avoided, can change our physical, cognitive, and behavioural response to it.

Say to yourself: “I am stressed because I haven’t discussed our monthly budget with my partner.”

Step two – “Own it”

When you are at risk of being overwhelmed by stress, own it. Say to yourself: “I need to make time to have this conversation and stop avoiding it.”

Step three – “Use it”

Your body and mind have evolved to respond to stress; use that energy, alertness, and heightened concentration to boost your mind. Be open to the opportunity. Use the stress to energise and motivate yourself to have that conversation you’ve been avoiding.

Reframing stress to something positive can enable you to overcome existing and future obstacles.

Another psychiatrist, Professor Steve Peters, specialises in the human mind. His bestseller, The Chimp Paradox, explains the inner workings of the brain using what he describes as the “Chimp Model.” It consists of three elements: the human, the chimp, and the computer, and can help us understand why we behave in certain ways when under stress.

According to Peters, the human element uses a logical and rational approach to solving problems. The chimp element describes the fast-reacting, instinctual parts of the brain. It solves problems emotionally and often reacts impulsively, frequently causing us problems. The final element, the computer, stores previous experiences and uses this information to advise the human and the chimp. It represents your memory and a set of learned, automatic responses.

Ultimately, dealing with stress is a key skill to living a life that we’ve planned and designed. Without coping mechanisms and language to label, own and use our stress, and understand our motivations, we will frequently find ourselves stuck in situations that we could very likely avoid.

When life gets full and busy, it’s hard to remember why we do what we do, and it’s easy to become unhealthily disconnected from who and what we value. As Dr Susan David often says, finding your “why” can be as simple as reconnecting with your values and reframing your everyday activities in relation to those values.

This is not so easy when we’re under pressure to perform and meet the expectations that have been placed on us. But, if we’re cognisant of it, we can learn to be more intentional about seeking out our values, even when feeling the squeeze. This is how we can find and remain connected to our purpose and meaning in life.

As Dr David puts it – perhaps you’re dreading a particular meeting with a client with whom you just don’t see eye to eye. But when you remind yourself of the values you want to bring to work—such as clear communication and collaboration—you begin to evaluate this tricky relationship through a lens of possibility instead of struggle.

It’s not always as tepid as this, sometimes it’s red-hot volatility or significant change that we need to confront in order to find our peace. Engaging with our deeper values may call upon deeper disruption – like leaving a dead-end relationship or choosing to move to a different country. 

The challenging reality is that if we don’t, at some point, try to engage deeply with our motivational values, no amount of money, status, property or relationships will give us the value that we’re desperately seeking. So, whatever it means to you, find it.

Dr David says that walking our why is a surefire way to cut through life’s messy and confusing meanderings to connect with who we really are. We cannot find our meaning at the end of an investment strategy or career path. All of those have little meaning, and equate to ‘just stuff’, if we don’t know who we intrinsically are at heart. 

It is helpful to think about choices not as better or worse but as equal and different and to remember that values are related to quality over quantity. Consumerism puts blinkers on us and keeps us constantly ‘busy’ – so practice social snacking and find opportunities to enhance relationships when life gets busy. For example, prioritise phone calls and coffee dates!

Show up to yourself with courage, curiosity, and self-compassion. This is where we begin to experience authentic, deep, long-lasting value, which we can then lean on to guide our choices.

Did you know that listening to classical music has been proven to lower blood pressure, make us more emotionally available, help us sleep better and relieve anxiety? Ironically, our emotions around money can achieve the exact opposite!

Firstly, if money brings up a lot of emotions for you, you’re not alone. Financial expert Ramit Sethi (on a blog for The Harvard Business Review) reminds his readers that our relationship with money is just as personal and valuable as any other relationship. 

It’s okay to feel emotional about money. We should take our emotions seriously, but we should not always take them literally. This is because our emotions tell OUR truth, not THE truth. As a relational species, we hold many truths. So, one truth does not necessarily tell the whole truth.

In a recent Instagram post, therapist Jake Ernst talks about how we need to use our emotions to help us understand our values, fears, needs, and wants. We need to let these emotions play out whilst being aware that whilst we may be getting an accurate read on a situation as it applies to us, it may be an inaccurate read on how others perceive the same situation.

The triggered emotions may be a valid response, but that doesn’t mean they’re an effective way of dealing with our anxiety, frustration or anger. Ultimately, it’s helpful to remember that our emotions will always hold a paradox. To help us manage these paradoxes, we can educate ourselves about money and open up conversations that allow us to be vulnerable with people we trust. Often, the fear of money comes from a lack of knowledge or awareness about it, or from feeling unsafe and judged.

When we’re able to manage our emotional responses to money, we can choose to become inspired by money. This is a positive attitude, and it’s something we can proactively choose; emotions are not something we can choose, but we can choose our attitude. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we can think about what money can buy or help us achieve. Don’t just focus on the materialistic aspects but also the experiences money affords.

And, if you find yourself in an emotional spiral, try to interrupt that by speaking to someone you trust, doing something you love or simply listening to some classical music. It works!

If you’re not familiar, the Enneagram is a personality typing tool that focuses on why we do what we do. It is a model of nine interconnected personality types – from the Ancient Greek word “ennea” for nine. A quick Google search will tell you what you need to know and guide you to free tests if you’d like to dig a little deeper.

Over the last few decades, the Enneagram has grown in popularity, proving helpful in conversations of meaning, value and understanding our core motivations. It enables us to spot patterns in our behaviours that speak to our intrinsic fears, triggers and unbridled inspiration. From how we spend money to how we react to the neighbour’s dog barking all night – the Enneagram can open our eyes to habits that keep us in a place where we feel stuck, frustrated and unhappy.

Money is a common blockage for many of us. Whether it’s a debt trap into which we keep falling, or an inability to enjoy our hard-earned moola, when we can see how our motivations influence our money habits, we can decide if and how we might change our situation.

Here are some money management tips from the Real Simple blog – let’s jump straight in! (Link at the end)

Type One: The Reformer 

Let go of judgement around your spending, as this only leads to harsher self-criticism. Check in with your values around what you want, assess how much it will cost, and set a little money aside each paycheck. 

Type Two: The Helper 

Ask yourself: Do you need this right now? Are you saying yes to spending on something to please others? This will allow you to save for what you truly love—even if it’s in baby steps.

Type Three: The Achiever

When you feel compelled to spend, check in with your true intentions. Is it to impress others? Is it to keep up with a trend? The clearer you are on your priorities, the more you’ll be able to invest in things that speak to your innermost happiness.

Type Four: The Individualist

You may not want to hear the B-word, but budgeting is your best friend when managing your money. Grab a pretty notebook and some coloured pens, and plan how much you’ll spend and save. Why? It will help you prioritise the bigger things that fill you with joy and purpose.

Type Five: The Investigator

Recognise how money can provide that sense of freedom and autonomy you desire. Create a “treat yourself fund” in your monthly budget that allows you to spend on experiences you love, whether it is a book you want or a friend you want to spoil. You may be surprised how much this opens up in you.

Type Six: The Loyalist

Take the time to understand your finances, from investing to budgeting and everything in between. Not only do you love learning new things, but this will help you feel more prepared to make those more significant decisions instead of letting fear drive your actions.

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

The trap of the Seven is “shiny object syndrome” and wanting new things to feel satisfied. Before handing over your credit card, reflect on your long-term goals vs instant gratification. Is spending money right now filling a void you’re not tending to? When you realise you have enough and are enough, you will find satisfaction that money can’t buy (and save more along the way).

Type Eight: The Challenger

Notice where you are spending money as a way to feel in control. Do you need to buy things in bulk every month? Do you buy products you don’t end up using? When you feel the impulse to spend, consider how your future self will feel. It may be a wiser decision to invest your money to build wealth over time.

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Create a vision board for your finances. Not only does this get you to take action, but it’ll help you get clear on your priorities and build a structure. Get crafty by cutting out images and words that speak to your goals, and make sure everything is measurable so you can track your progress.

If reading through this has helped uncover some blindspots, or sparked some more questions on how you feel, think and behave with your money, please feel free to reach out for a chat.

We permanently activate our fight-flight-freeze-appease response when constantly performing at our peak. This acute stress response activates our sympathetic nervous system and keeps us unhealthy or from experiencing deeper joy and fulfilment in life.

Blogs and TED talks abound on how we’re living in an age where our stress level is way above a healthy normal, and we need to find ways to reduce our stress to enjoy more of life.

Stress can be relieved in so many ways – from meditation, making better choices, and learning to say no and establishing boundaries – but one way is to learn how to control the controllable and let go of the things we can’t control.

For athletes, they say that we can’t control the rain, road surface, wind, or competitors, but we can control our attitude, effort, focus, fitness and preparation. In psychology, they speak about realising that we can’t control other people’s behaviours and emotions, only our own. When it comes to financial planning, we say that we can’t control the markets, only our investing behaviour.

 

As we’ve often said before, not all stress is bad. A research paper by Crum & Crum (2018) noted that people who adopt the mindset that “stress is enhancing” experience more exceptional performance and fewer negative health symptoms.

If viewed positively, stress is essential to moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Having worked with athletes and Navy SEALS, Crum and Crum propose a three-step approach to harnessing the positive aspects of stress while minimising any negative health impacts.

Step one – “See your stress”

Don’t attempt to ignore stress. Label it. Seeing it as something positive rather than to be avoided can change our physical, cognitive, and behavioural response to it.

See it, and label it: “I am stressed because I haven’t completed the report yet.”

Step two – “Own it”

When you are at risk of being overwhelmed by stress, own it.

Own it: “I recently got the promotion I wanted; this is part of my new role.”

Step three – “Use it”

Your body and mind have evolved to respond to stress; use that energy, alertness, and heightened concentration to boost your mind.

Use it: Be open to the opportunity. Use the stress to energise and motivate yourself.

Once we separate stressful factors into those we can control and those that we can’t, we can begin to healthily see it, own it and use it!

Despite our best-laid plans and most honourable intentions, conversations about money can go south quickly!

There’s never going to be a perfect time to talk about money dreads or financial dreams, but preparing our partner or family for the chat, and finding a space where we won’t be interrupted is always helpful. It’s also helpful to think about what you want to say, but you can never know exactly how others will feel about it.

In a recent blog from moneyhelper.org.uk, they offered several insightful ideas to help us talk to people we love when we disagree about money.

Here are some of them…

If they disagree with the situation as you see it…

Ask what their reasons are and listen with an open mind. If you feel they have a point, say so. If you disagree with them, suggest how you can move forward.

If they blame you…

Listen with an open mind, and figure out what’s making it frustrating without getting defensive and blaming them back. Are their comments justifiable? If so, how will you address these comments? Are their remarks simply shifting blame? If so, ask them what they feel you can both do to resolve the problems.

If they are impatient or attempt to change the topic…

Explain the aim of the conversation and let them know their choices. Listen to what they’re saying to address later. Express your understanding that it’s a difficult conversation while highlighting that it will be easier to have it now rather than later.

If they all talk a little too much…

Make sure you leave plenty of time for the chat, yet keep them on the topic by referring to what they’ve said and asking relevant questions. 

These are only a handful of possible responses; if you can think of others, write them down and challenge yourself to keep an open mind. Often, we only respond negatively when allowing our emotions to drive us. The sooner we can identify and acknowledge those emotions, we can allow them space and then move forward with rational intention.

Also – if the conversation is completely derailed, don’t give up hope. Try again and keep the channels of communication open.

“I love talking about money with my family!” said no one ever.

Most of us will agree that there is more to life than money, but regardless, it’s very important for most of us — especially when we feel like we do not have enough. Money can become a consuming focus that leaves us feeling powerless and sometimes even worthless.

Talking about money is a helpful way to regain our sense of power and remind ourselves that our worth is comprised of much more than our bank balance. If you’re in a relationship, start talking about money with your partner as soon as possible to ensure that your different attitudes and approaches are not a deal-breaker for either of you.

One of the reasons why it’s so important to be able to talk about our thoughts and feelings around money openly is because it’s linked to so many perceptions of value and what we deem to be fair. All of us (ashamedly or otherwise) have an amount of money, or a lifestyle, that we think is either beneath or above us. Whilst we can generally overlook this in the company of others and look past it to form friendships and connections, it can become challenging and complicated when it’s close to home.

In an intimate or family relationship, we might feel like others don’t pull their weight, or we might feel like we’re not doing as much, and it’s unfair. Talking calmly and rationally about money can avoid this type of problem.

Open conversations can also help us understand different perspectives and realise that we may need an objective point of view to get good advice about our financial situation. Financial planners are used to discussing money, and we are not embarrassed by it.

At the end of the day, it is okay to explain how we feel about money and be concerned about the possible consequences of our situation — but ultimately, we need action, not emotion. 

We need to talk and work through the emotions to achieve productive and positive action.

Here are some ways to begin talking about money:

• I’d like to talk to you about something I think would help us reach our goals more effectively.
• I want to speak with you about […], but first, I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I think we have different ideas about […], and I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Talking about money will always be challenging, but we must start somewhere. If you’d like help with this, please feel free to reach out.

We spend months or years preparing for many significant life events. The first for many of us was the build-up to going to ‘big school’. Our three-, four- and five-year-old selves grew increasingly excited, right up until the day school started and then there was an overwhelming flow of emotions that may have been more negative than positive. When you stand in the playground of first-graders on the first day of school, you’re bound to see plenty of tears.

Similar things happen when we move on to secondary and high school, when we turn 13, 16, 18 and 21, when we get accepted into college, start a dream job, buy our first home, get married, and have children. Sometimes there’s a honeymoon period, and we float around in a state of bliss at how awesome life is, but very soon, we realise that each decision has its challenges, and each day is often just like any other.

If you ask a child who’s just turned a year older how cool it is to be seven instead of six, they’ll be happy to be a year older. But you ask someone who’s just turned 27, 37 or 57, and they’ll probably admit it’s just a day like any other.

A significant event we possibly anticipate most is the day we stop working and allow our savings to support us. Traditionally, we call this retirement, but we’re trying hard to change the language around this because so many of us are not ready, no matter how much time we’ve had to plan for it. And, just like that first day of first grade, it may not be as impressive as we’d imagined.

We could call this “Financial Independence Day” or “Life after work” (as Douglas Fletcher coined in his 2007 book of the same title), or anything else that helps us make sense of what life will look like for us as we enter a new phase of life and change the pace of our work-life balance.

It could happen anytime, from our thirties to our eighties; the timelines are increasingly expanding. But however we plan for it, we cannot only focus on the money side; we also need to look at the emotional side of life after work. It’s easy to overlook this side as we spend so much time planning to have enough money, and often only plan to stop working when we finally have what we feel will be enough.

But life doesn’t always work out exactly as we plan, nor does it fit into the boxes and timelines we like to create. Starting to look at a fuller picture of what life will look like, not just our cashflow model, is helpful to make this transition smoother and more accessible.

With this approach, we can begin to break free of old habits and beliefs and celebrate the life stage. We can intentionally create deeper relationships and not just deeper pockets, having better conversations and expectations for life after work.

We all have reasons for doing things. It might be because we’re sticklers for following rules, or perhaps we avoid difficult situations and emotions by constantly focusing on the positives. Maybe our motivations come from a restless spirit or a drive to keep control and order – but for some of us, we become people pleasers.

It may not be in every area of our life, but in certain situations, we may find ourselves defaulting to keeping everyone around us happy, often at the cost of our own happiness. It’s nice to be accommodating, but auto-accommodating can be exhausting.

If we’re trying to change habits and experience a more fulfilling life, we need to be able to notice behaviours that are causing us to cut back on self-care. If we want more energy and freedom to have me-time, we must learn to say no.

But – saying no is really difficult for people pleasers. The desire to avoid conflict can cause us to put off tough conversations about healthy boundaries. However, the thing about boundaries is that the people who genuinely love us will respect them, and the people who don’t will be the ones who get frustrated. This helps us distinguish between our healthy and unhealthy relationships. We want less engagement with people who exploit us and more engagement with those who encourage and respect our personal space.

For some, being a people pleaser is a coping mechanism learned in childhood, and their self-worth is now heavily tied up in helping people and receiving praise for being so helpful. Being helpful is not bad at all, just as it’s not wrong to want to follow the rules, keep a sense of control, acknowledge individuality or look for the positives in a situation. But, when we become fixated on one motivation, we can become frustrated and feel stuck in life.

In extreme cases, people pleasers will be so fixated on helping others that they won’t feel comfortable accepting help from others. This is why it can be so exhausting, and bad habits form, affecting everything from how we spend our time and energy to how we spend our money.

Ultimately, people pleasers have not figured out their boundaries, and this is okay because we can choose to start setting new boundaries today. If you feel like you need to set some limits or notice someone in your life who might need some encouragement to set their own boundaries, don’t wait another day to put them in place. The best day to make a healthy change in your life is today, not tomorrow.