When life gets full and busy, it’s hard to remember why we do what we do, and it’s easy to become unhealthily disconnected from who and what we value. As Dr Susan David often says, finding your “why” can be as simple as reconnecting with your values and reframing your everyday activities in relation to those values.

This is not so easy when we’re under pressure to perform and meet the expectations that have been placed on us. But, if we’re cognisant of it, we can learn to be more intentional about seeking out our values, even when feeling the squeeze. This is how we can find and remain connected to our purpose and meaning in life.

As Dr David puts it – perhaps you’re dreading a particular meeting with a client with whom you just don’t see eye to eye. But when you remind yourself of the values you want to bring to work—such as clear communication and collaboration—you begin to evaluate this tricky relationship through a lens of possibility instead of struggle.

It’s not always as tepid as this, sometimes it’s red-hot volatility or significant change that we need to confront in order to find our peace. Engaging with our deeper values may call upon deeper disruption – like leaving a dead-end relationship or choosing to move to a different country. 

The challenging reality is that if we don’t, at some point, try to engage deeply with our motivational values, no amount of money, status, property or relationships will give us the value that we’re desperately seeking. So, whatever it means to you, find it.

Dr David says that walking our why is a surefire way to cut through life’s messy and confusing meanderings to connect with who we really are. We cannot find our meaning at the end of an investment strategy or career path. All of those have little meaning, and equate to ‘just stuff’, if we don’t know who we intrinsically are at heart. 

It is helpful to think about choices not as better or worse but as equal and different and to remember that values are related to quality over quantity. Consumerism puts blinkers on us and keeps us constantly ‘busy’ – so practice social snacking and find opportunities to enhance relationships when life gets busy. For example, prioritise phone calls and coffee dates!

Show up to yourself with courage, curiosity, and self-compassion. This is where we begin to experience authentic, deep, long-lasting value, which we can then lean on to guide our choices.

Did you know that listening to classical music has been proven to lower blood pressure, make us more emotionally available, help us sleep better and relieve anxiety? Ironically, our emotions around money can achieve the exact opposite!

Firstly, if money brings up a lot of emotions for you, you’re not alone. Financial expert Ramit Sethi (on a blog for The Harvard Business Review) reminds his readers that our relationship with money is just as personal and valuable as any other relationship. 

It’s okay to feel emotional about money. We should take our emotions seriously, but we should not always take them literally. This is because our emotions tell OUR truth, not THE truth. As a relational species, we hold many truths. So, one truth does not necessarily tell the whole truth.

In a recent Instagram post, therapist Jake Ernst talks about how we need to use our emotions to help us understand our values, fears, needs, and wants. We need to let these emotions play out whilst being aware that whilst we may be getting an accurate read on a situation as it applies to us, it may be an inaccurate read on how others perceive the same situation.

The triggered emotions may be a valid response, but that doesn’t mean they’re an effective way of dealing with our anxiety, frustration or anger. Ultimately, it’s helpful to remember that our emotions will always hold a paradox. To help us manage these paradoxes, we can educate ourselves about money and open up conversations that allow us to be vulnerable with people we trust. Often, the fear of money comes from a lack of knowledge or awareness about it, or from feeling unsafe and judged.

When we’re able to manage our emotional responses to money, we can choose to become inspired by money. This is a positive attitude, and it’s something we can proactively choose; emotions are not something we can choose, but we can choose our attitude. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we can think about what money can buy or help us achieve. Don’t just focus on the materialistic aspects but also the experiences money affords.

And, if you find yourself in an emotional spiral, try to interrupt that by speaking to someone you trust, doing something you love or simply listening to some classical music. It works!

If you’re not familiar, the Enneagram is a personality typing tool that focuses on why we do what we do. It is a model of nine interconnected personality types – from the Ancient Greek word “ennea” for nine. A quick Google search will tell you what you need to know and guide you to free tests if you’d like to dig a little deeper.

Over the last few decades, the Enneagram has grown in popularity, proving helpful in conversations of meaning, value and understanding our core motivations. It enables us to spot patterns in our behaviours that speak to our intrinsic fears, triggers and unbridled inspiration. From how we spend money to how we react to the neighbour’s dog barking all night – the Enneagram can open our eyes to habits that keep us in a place where we feel stuck, frustrated and unhappy.

Money is a common blockage for many of us. Whether it’s a debt trap into which we keep falling, or an inability to enjoy our hard-earned moola, when we can see how our motivations influence our money habits, we can decide if and how we might change our situation.

Here are some money management tips from the Real Simple blog – let’s jump straight in! (Link at the end)

Type One: The Reformer 

Let go of judgement around your spending, as this only leads to harsher self-criticism. Check in with your values around what you want, assess how much it will cost, and set a little money aside each paycheck. 

Type Two: The Helper 

Ask yourself: Do you need this right now? Are you saying yes to spending on something to please others? This will allow you to save for what you truly love—even if it’s in baby steps.

Type Three: The Achiever

When you feel compelled to spend, check in with your true intentions. Is it to impress others? Is it to keep up with a trend? The clearer you are on your priorities, the more you’ll be able to invest in things that speak to your innermost happiness.

Type Four: The Individualist

You may not want to hear the B-word, but budgeting is your best friend when managing your money. Grab a pretty notebook and some coloured pens, and plan how much you’ll spend and save. Why? It will help you prioritise the bigger things that fill you with joy and purpose.

Type Five: The Investigator

Recognise how money can provide that sense of freedom and autonomy you desire. Create a “treat yourself fund” in your monthly budget that allows you to spend on experiences you love, whether it is a book you want or a friend you want to spoil. You may be surprised how much this opens up in you.

Type Six: The Loyalist

Take the time to understand your finances, from investing to budgeting and everything in between. Not only do you love learning new things, but this will help you feel more prepared to make those more significant decisions instead of letting fear drive your actions.

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

The trap of the Seven is “shiny object syndrome” and wanting new things to feel satisfied. Before handing over your credit card, reflect on your long-term goals vs instant gratification. Is spending money right now filling a void you’re not tending to? When you realise you have enough and are enough, you will find satisfaction that money can’t buy (and save more along the way).

Type Eight: The Challenger

Notice where you are spending money as a way to feel in control. Do you need to buy things in bulk every month? Do you buy products you don’t end up using? When you feel the impulse to spend, consider how your future self will feel. It may be a wiser decision to invest your money to build wealth over time.

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Create a vision board for your finances. Not only does this get you to take action, but it’ll help you get clear on your priorities and build a structure. Get crafty by cutting out images and words that speak to your goals, and make sure everything is measurable so you can track your progress.

If reading through this has helped uncover some blindspots, or sparked some more questions on how you feel, think and behave with your money, please feel free to reach out for a chat.

We permanently activate our fight-flight-freeze-appease response when constantly performing at our peak. This acute stress response activates our sympathetic nervous system and keeps us unhealthy or from experiencing deeper joy and fulfilment in life.

Blogs and TED talks abound on how we’re living in an age where our stress level is way above a healthy normal, and we need to find ways to reduce our stress to enjoy more of life.

Stress can be relieved in so many ways – from meditation, making better choices, and learning to say no and establishing boundaries – but one way is to learn how to control the controllable and let go of the things we can’t control.

For athletes, they say that we can’t control the rain, road surface, wind, or competitors, but we can control our attitude, effort, focus, fitness and preparation. In psychology, they speak about realising that we can’t control other people’s behaviours and emotions, only our own. When it comes to financial planning, we say that we can’t control the markets, only our investing behaviour.

 

As we’ve often said before, not all stress is bad. A research paper by Crum & Crum (2018) noted that people who adopt the mindset that “stress is enhancing” experience more exceptional performance and fewer negative health symptoms.

If viewed positively, stress is essential to moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Having worked with athletes and Navy SEALS, Crum and Crum propose a three-step approach to harnessing the positive aspects of stress while minimising any negative health impacts.

Step one – “See your stress”

Don’t attempt to ignore stress. Label it. Seeing it as something positive rather than to be avoided can change our physical, cognitive, and behavioural response to it.

See it, and label it: “I am stressed because I haven’t completed the report yet.”

Step two – “Own it”

When you are at risk of being overwhelmed by stress, own it.

Own it: “I recently got the promotion I wanted; this is part of my new role.”

Step three – “Use it”

Your body and mind have evolved to respond to stress; use that energy, alertness, and heightened concentration to boost your mind.

Use it: Be open to the opportunity. Use the stress to energise and motivate yourself.

Once we separate stressful factors into those we can control and those that we can’t, we can begin to healthily see it, own it and use it!

Despite our best-laid plans and most honourable intentions, conversations about money can go south quickly!

There’s never going to be a perfect time to talk about money dreads or financial dreams, but preparing our partner or family for the chat, and finding a space where we won’t be interrupted is always helpful. It’s also helpful to think about what you want to say, but you can never know exactly how others will feel about it.

In a recent blog from moneyhelper.org.uk, they offered several insightful ideas to help us talk to people we love when we disagree about money.

Here are some of them…

If they disagree with the situation as you see it…

Ask what their reasons are and listen with an open mind. If you feel they have a point, say so. If you disagree with them, suggest how you can move forward.

If they blame you…

Listen with an open mind, and figure out what’s making it frustrating without getting defensive and blaming them back. Are their comments justifiable? If so, how will you address these comments? Are their remarks simply shifting blame? If so, ask them what they feel you can both do to resolve the problems.

If they are impatient or attempt to change the topic…

Explain the aim of the conversation and let them know their choices. Listen to what they’re saying to address later. Express your understanding that it’s a difficult conversation while highlighting that it will be easier to have it now rather than later.

If they all talk a little too much…

Make sure you leave plenty of time for the chat, yet keep them on the topic by referring to what they’ve said and asking relevant questions. 

These are only a handful of possible responses; if you can think of others, write them down and challenge yourself to keep an open mind. Often, we only respond negatively when allowing our emotions to drive us. The sooner we can identify and acknowledge those emotions, we can allow them space and then move forward with rational intention.

Also – if the conversation is completely derailed, don’t give up hope. Try again and keep the channels of communication open.