We permanently activate our fight-flight-freeze-appease response when constantly performing at our peak. This acute stress response activates our sympathetic nervous system and keeps us unhealthy or from experiencing deeper joy and fulfilment in life.

Blogs and TED talks abound on how we’re living in an age where our stress level is way above a healthy normal, and we need to find ways to reduce our stress to enjoy more of life.

Stress can be relieved in so many ways – from meditation, making better choices, and learning to say no and establishing boundaries – but one way is to learn how to control the controllable and let go of the things we can’t control.

For athletes, they say that we can’t control the rain, road surface, wind, or competitors, but we can control our attitude, effort, focus, fitness and preparation. In psychology, they speak about realising that we can’t control other people’s behaviours and emotions, only our own. When it comes to financial planning, we say that we can’t control the markets, only our investing behaviour.

 

As we’ve often said before, not all stress is bad. A research paper by Crum & Crum (2018) noted that people who adopt the mindset that “stress is enhancing” experience more exceptional performance and fewer negative health symptoms.

If viewed positively, stress is essential to moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Having worked with athletes and Navy SEALS, Crum and Crum propose a three-step approach to harnessing the positive aspects of stress while minimising any negative health impacts.

Step one – “See your stress”

Don’t attempt to ignore stress. Label it. Seeing it as something positive rather than to be avoided can change our physical, cognitive, and behavioural response to it.

See it, and label it: “I am stressed because I haven’t completed the report yet.”

Step two – “Own it”

When you are at risk of being overwhelmed by stress, own it.

Own it: “I recently got the promotion I wanted; this is part of my new role.”

Step three – “Use it”

Your body and mind have evolved to respond to stress; use that energy, alertness, and heightened concentration to boost your mind.

Use it: Be open to the opportunity. Use the stress to energise and motivate yourself.

Once we separate stressful factors into those we can control and those that we can’t, we can begin to healthily see it, own it and use it!

Despite our best-laid plans and most honourable intentions, conversations about money can go south quickly!

There’s never going to be a perfect time to talk about money dreads or financial dreams, but preparing our partner or family for the chat, and finding a space where we won’t be interrupted is always helpful. It’s also helpful to think about what you want to say, but you can never know exactly how others will feel about it.

In a recent blog from moneyhelper.org.uk, they offered several insightful ideas to help us talk to people we love when we disagree about money.

Here are some of them…

If they disagree with the situation as you see it…

Ask what their reasons are and listen with an open mind. If you feel they have a point, say so. If you disagree with them, suggest how you can move forward.

If they blame you…

Listen with an open mind, and figure out what’s making it frustrating without getting defensive and blaming them back. Are their comments justifiable? If so, how will you address these comments? Are their remarks simply shifting blame? If so, ask them what they feel you can both do to resolve the problems.

If they are impatient or attempt to change the topic…

Explain the aim of the conversation and let them know their choices. Listen to what they’re saying to address later. Express your understanding that it’s a difficult conversation while highlighting that it will be easier to have it now rather than later.

If they all talk a little too much…

Make sure you leave plenty of time for the chat, yet keep them on the topic by referring to what they’ve said and asking relevant questions. 

These are only a handful of possible responses; if you can think of others, write them down and challenge yourself to keep an open mind. Often, we only respond negatively when allowing our emotions to drive us. The sooner we can identify and acknowledge those emotions, we can allow them space and then move forward with rational intention.

Also – if the conversation is completely derailed, don’t give up hope. Try again and keep the channels of communication open.

“I love talking about money with my family!” said no one ever.

Most of us will agree that there is more to life than money, but regardless, it’s very important for most of us — especially when we feel like we do not have enough. Money can become a consuming focus that leaves us feeling powerless and sometimes even worthless.

Talking about money is a helpful way to regain our sense of power and remind ourselves that our worth is comprised of much more than our bank balance. If you’re in a relationship, start talking about money with your partner as soon as possible to ensure that your different attitudes and approaches are not a deal-breaker for either of you.

One of the reasons why it’s so important to be able to talk about our thoughts and feelings around money openly is because it’s linked to so many perceptions of value and what we deem to be fair. All of us (ashamedly or otherwise) have an amount of money, or a lifestyle, that we think is either beneath or above us. Whilst we can generally overlook this in the company of others and look past it to form friendships and connections, it can become challenging and complicated when it’s close to home.

In an intimate or family relationship, we might feel like others don’t pull their weight, or we might feel like we’re not doing as much, and it’s unfair. Talking calmly and rationally about money can avoid this type of problem.

Open conversations can also help us understand different perspectives and realise that we may need an objective point of view to get good advice about our financial situation. Financial planners are used to discussing money, and we are not embarrassed by it.

At the end of the day, it is okay to explain how we feel about money and be concerned about the possible consequences of our situation — but ultimately, we need action, not emotion. 

We need to talk and work through the emotions to achieve productive and positive action.

Here are some ways to begin talking about money:

• I’d like to talk to you about something I think would help us reach our goals more effectively.
• I want to speak with you about […], but first, I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I think we have different ideas about […], and I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Talking about money will always be challenging, but we must start somewhere. If you’d like help with this, please feel free to reach out.

We spend months or years preparing for many significant life events. The first for many of us was the build-up to going to ‘big school’. Our three-, four- and five-year-old selves grew increasingly excited, right up until the day school started and then there was an overwhelming flow of emotions that may have been more negative than positive. When you stand in the playground of first-graders on the first day of school, you’re bound to see plenty of tears.

Similar things happen when we move on to secondary and high school, when we turn 13, 16, 18 and 21, when we get accepted into college, start a dream job, buy our first home, get married, and have children. Sometimes there’s a honeymoon period, and we float around in a state of bliss at how awesome life is, but very soon, we realise that each decision has its challenges, and each day is often just like any other.

If you ask a child who’s just turned a year older how cool it is to be seven instead of six, they’ll be happy to be a year older. But you ask someone who’s just turned 27, 37 or 57, and they’ll probably admit it’s just a day like any other.

A significant event we possibly anticipate most is the day we stop working and allow our savings to support us. Traditionally, we call this retirement, but we’re trying hard to change the language around this because so many of us are not ready, no matter how much time we’ve had to plan for it. And, just like that first day of first grade, it may not be as impressive as we’d imagined.

We could call this “Financial Independence Day” or “Life after work” (as Douglas Fletcher coined in his 2007 book of the same title), or anything else that helps us make sense of what life will look like for us as we enter a new phase of life and change the pace of our work-life balance.

It could happen anytime, from our thirties to our eighties; the timelines are increasingly expanding. But however we plan for it, we cannot only focus on the money side; we also need to look at the emotional side of life after work. It’s easy to overlook this side as we spend so much time planning to have enough money, and often only plan to stop working when we finally have what we feel will be enough.

But life doesn’t always work out exactly as we plan, nor does it fit into the boxes and timelines we like to create. Starting to look at a fuller picture of what life will look like, not just our cashflow model, is helpful to make this transition smoother and more accessible.

With this approach, we can begin to break free of old habits and beliefs and celebrate the life stage. We can intentionally create deeper relationships and not just deeper pockets, having better conversations and expectations for life after work.

We all have reasons for doing things. It might be because we’re sticklers for following rules, or perhaps we avoid difficult situations and emotions by constantly focusing on the positives. Maybe our motivations come from a restless spirit or a drive to keep control and order – but for some of us, we become people pleasers.

It may not be in every area of our life, but in certain situations, we may find ourselves defaulting to keeping everyone around us happy, often at the cost of our own happiness. It’s nice to be accommodating, but auto-accommodating can be exhausting.

If we’re trying to change habits and experience a more fulfilling life, we need to be able to notice behaviours that are causing us to cut back on self-care. If we want more energy and freedom to have me-time, we must learn to say no.

But – saying no is really difficult for people pleasers. The desire to avoid conflict can cause us to put off tough conversations about healthy boundaries. However, the thing about boundaries is that the people who genuinely love us will respect them, and the people who don’t will be the ones who get frustrated. This helps us distinguish between our healthy and unhealthy relationships. We want less engagement with people who exploit us and more engagement with those who encourage and respect our personal space.

For some, being a people pleaser is a coping mechanism learned in childhood, and their self-worth is now heavily tied up in helping people and receiving praise for being so helpful. Being helpful is not bad at all, just as it’s not wrong to want to follow the rules, keep a sense of control, acknowledge individuality or look for the positives in a situation. But, when we become fixated on one motivation, we can become frustrated and feel stuck in life.

In extreme cases, people pleasers will be so fixated on helping others that they won’t feel comfortable accepting help from others. This is why it can be so exhausting, and bad habits form, affecting everything from how we spend our time and energy to how we spend our money.

Ultimately, people pleasers have not figured out their boundaries, and this is okay because we can choose to start setting new boundaries today. If you feel like you need to set some limits or notice someone in your life who might need some encouragement to set their own boundaries, don’t wait another day to put them in place. The best day to make a healthy change in your life is today, not tomorrow.